PADUCAH, KY - Area woman Susan Tyson got more than she bargained for when the distracted mother of three accidentally set her microwave on POPCORN when heating a chicken-and-garlic pizza for dinner, CERN sources report.
"I don't know what happened," she said. "I pressed START and all of a sudden all matter de-cohered from the subatomic level on up. At first I thought there had been an accident on the interstate next to our house but then I thought, 'My goodness, that wouldn't collapse the metastable vacuum now would it.'"
CERN scientists Holger Nielsen and Masao Ninomiya had argued that the universe would disallow the creation of the Higgs boson through a reverse causality mechanism that sabotaged the accelerator, and that this explained the project's repeated snafus. [Note: go back and click on it. That part actually isn't parody.] When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the universe stated it had no knowledge of Ms. Tyson but that this oversight would be investigated promptly.
As off press time the world had ended.
BLACK SABBATH – “Paranoid” From The End Streaming
46 minutes ago