Friday, June 28, 2013

Zombie Movies Are Stupid

I don't get zombie movies. At all. They are movies about running away from hostile retarded people who are hard to kill and (an important qualifier) whose retardation is infectious. Oh, that's not what they're about? Fine. Tell me where that's wrong. (So far, no one has been able to. They just get mad.)

Of course, you're free to NOT think zombie movies are stupid. Of course that means you're stupid too.

Granted, some of the kill scenes are kind of funny but even those get boring after a minute (okay, okay I admit this whole sequence still makes me laugh every time; I think it's all the screaming). What's more, I just can't suspend disbelief to the degree needed to not think these movies are stupid. For even 2 seconds. Why not?

- you don't have to be a scientist to know that viruses do not spread and take effect that fast.
- they don't somehow make matter supernatural (i.e. give super-speed or not need to breathe - yes, from World War Z - or somehow make muscles keep moving even after the nerves that control them are broken)
- how is it that with fast zombies, every aspect of their physiology is enhanced (senses, speed, strength, resistance to damage) except their brain? Maybe there should be a movie with zombies that get smarter, but more easily winded and over-sensitive. That would seriously not be any more stupid.

If movie-makers want to explain their zombies, they should just say "because Hell is full"; that's more honest.

So in keeping with the defying-all-natural-law aspect of zombies, I want to see a movie with zombies that can teleport, reverse gravity, go faster than light, go back in time, and simultaneously be themselves and be something else, or simultaneously do something and not do it. Because that's the same as other zombies we've seen on screen so far; in fact, more interesting.

As an optimist, I'll close by focusing on the one positive aspect of zombie films; thus I leave you with this compilation of heads exploding, which features a lot of zombies.


Alex Cardosa said...

I don't get love stories or car chasing or dumb war movies its not like we don't have enough dumb real wars. Its all dumb if you think about it. Or knights in armor smacking each other over some teen girl. Or...

Michael Caton said...

Yeah, but I can see (unfortunately) how knights and wars get people's juices flowing, even if they're not good things in the real world. I wouldn't expect zombie movies in the same way I wouldn't expect, I don't know, movies about flying bratwurst that can shoot lasers. It's just weird and random. But there you have it.